Well, That Was Unexpected
by JenniFromTheBak
Summary: The strangest things seem to happen to me when I'm dehydrated and sleep deprived. Right in the fucking middle of my messy ass TARDIS blue room is a bloody Anomaly. Like from Primeval… Yup, I need water and sleep. Preferably sleep. Aaannndd, my bed's on the other side of the Anomaly. Damn my luck.
1. How It Started

**Hello! Thanks for clinking on this, I guess. Um, its just your average person falls into ME, well... Not average, per say. She's gonna be a tad bit Mary Sue, cause she's a BAMF... But there's not going to be any romance/love interest shtuff going on. I'm going to try and update regularly...**

**I don't own The Hobbit or any things I reference that you even remotely recognize. I do own my character though, and her family. OMG, I also own that Doctor Who clock. I made it myself. Its awesome.**

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I stare down at my blank paper, frustrated. I scribble down a few words, but erase them just as quickly. God, I have totally lost my muse for this story. I dragged my hands down my face and looked tiredly up at my Doctor Who wall clock, blinking owlishly at Tom Baker's grinning face. It was fucking 4 in the morning! I stand up quickly, to quickly, and my head starts spinning. I put one hand on the chair and the other on my forehead, trying to regain my balance. Wow, dehydration and sleep deprivation are not a good combination. After I could see clearly without spots in my vision, I stretched my arms above my head and cracked my back. I bend down to the height of the kindle and hit pause on my playlist. I quickly shuffle into the kitchen to try and remedy the dehydration aspect of my problem.

I grab a cup from the cupboard and fill it in the sink. I immediately chug it all in one breath. Damn, I didn't even realize I was that thirsty man. I fill another cup and sip it while walking to my room. I'm going on a huge backpacking trip in New Zealand with my younger sister and our friends, and we're leaving tomorrow. I grab my already packed pack from outside my room, no harm in double checking if I grabbed everything. I open the door to my room and almost fall over in shock. Right in the fucking middle of my messy ass TARDIS blue room is a bloody Anomaly. Like from Primeval… I stare at it for a few seconds doing a bloody good goldfish impersonation. My brain comes back from the shock and awe of seeing a big ball of light with shards of glass rotating around it, from one of my favourite shows and tells me that I need to get my vision checked. That show is fiction. And B rated fiction at the best. Well, in the beginning it was kinda B rated, but then it got better! Cutter was defiantly a big loss, and Steven was cool, but Abby and Connor were awesome. BUT, back to reality.

"Alright, you're just sleep deprived and dehydrated, man. Just go to bed and when you wake up and it'll be gone, you'll see." I tell myself. But you need to go through the anomaly to get to you bed, dumbass. My brain is a really mean Vulcan sometimes. With my bag still in hand, I slowly walk towards the anomaly. I close my eyes tightly and walk through the anomaly.

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**Dun-dun-dun! Yeah, that was kinda lame, I know... But, I wrote it in the beginning of last year, so don't judge me! I promise the next chapters will be longer than this... Please, please, please tell me what you think, even if you think it sucked, tell me how to improve it. Follow this story if you like where its going or maybe you just feel pity and want to make me feel good? Either way, do it. Please.**

**-_JenniFromTheBak_**


	2. 60 Years and a Different Universe Later

**Hello there, you look nice today. This one is longer then the last one, but still pretty short. As usual, I hope you enjoy my story.**

**I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me. i.e. The Hobbit, random movie/TV show/book references, etc.**

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60 or so years later…

I trudge my way back to my cabin, my game slung over my shoulder. I had a good hunt this evening, I could've caught more but a wise friend of mine once told me to never take what I didn't need, it was wasteful. So I've stuck to that rule since. It's been years since I've seen her, might need to take a trip to the golden wood. Though if I've done my calculations correctly a certain old grey Wizard should be visiting me soon about traveling with a group of 13 dwarves and a hobbit. I'm just worried about fangirling to hard when I see them.

When I arrive at my surprisingly well built cabin, I see the door has been opened. When I left this morning, I remembered to close and lock it. I assume its old grey beard, but just in case, I place my game by the door and nock an arrow in my bow. I push the door open and it creeks like in one of those horror films.

"You don't see me for a few years and when I come back you start aiming your weapons at me!" when I hear the voice I immediately turn and almost loose my arrow. Once my mind comprehends that's its Mithrandir, I immediately put my bow down on the table and place my arrow back in the quiver. I quickly run at the Maia standing in my kitchen and wrap my arms around his neck.

"I missed you!" I practically squeal.

"And I you child, I you…." He chuckles.

"Oi!" I let go, back up a step and poke him in the chest. "Who are you callin' a child, old man?"

That just made him full out laugh at me. Who does this guy think he is, laughing at me? He may be a Maia that will, later in his life, kill a Balrog and then come back to life, but that does not excuse him laughing at me!

"When you stop pouting like one, I will stop calling you a child." Oh, ouch, I felt that burn… Maybe I should teach Gandalf how to snap his fingers in a 'Z' formation…

"Well, sir, what brings you to my very humble abode?" I ask, walking over to my table, and unhooking my sheath from my belt. I keep my knifes on me at all times. Always be ready for anything, another tip from another old friend; though if he heard me call him old he'd eat my head off. I sit myself down on a chair and prop my feet up on the table.

"That, my dear, is something that I feel you already know..." Gandalf, you sly old Wizard…

"How am I supposed to know your mind? You could just be here for a simple friendly visit." He knows I know it's not like his usual visits. If I did my math right, the quest should start in a few months to a year.

"I think you know why I'm here, Vash. The question I have, though, is if your answer still stands?" Gandalf asks. I set my feet on the floor, rest my elbows on my knees, clasp my hands together, slumping my shoulders and give him an affirmative nod. I motion to the other seat, where he presently sits. He pulls out his pipe, and I mine. We fill them and he lights them. We sit in silence for a while, contemplating things.

"So, what have you all discussed so far?" I ask.

"I have given Master Oakenshield his map, and he has sent word to me about a council he wants me to attend in the Blue Mountains," I nod along with him. "I know we need a burglar, you've told me that before, but whom?"

I smirked at him "Spoilers…" He gives me an unimpressed look and huffs. "Well, I'll give you a hint: He's a Hobbit."

"… Race and gender…" Gandalf says, in a voice that's urging me to tell him more.

"His mother was a Took…" I tell him. "But that's all you're getting."

"It's going to take a while to convince a hobbit to go on an adventure…" He says, mostly to himself, I smirk.

"Or you could just do it usual Gandalf style…" I state happily. The Maia chuckles. He seems to do that a lot, or maybe he just thinks I'm funny. Fucking laughing at me, old man? Bloody eternal beings and their ability to find me amusing…

"'Gandalf style'?" He questions, mirth colouring his tone. Did I stutter?

"Yeah, ya' know, your usual way going about things. Dangle a potentially life threatening quest in front of them, and then walk away. Then the subject usually runs after you and joins the quest willingly." He amusedly hums into his pipe. I stand up and walk out of the door, grabbing my game. Gandalf walks out after me taking a seat on my chopping block, while I sit on the ground. The wizard still has his pipe, while I left mine inside.

I skin the animals while Gandalf and I discuss various subjects, anything that comes to mind really. We can have very meaningful deep conversations and then a few minutes later we can just be talking random shit.

After I finish skinning and deboning the meat, I hang up the pelts and some meat to dry. The rest I put it in a pot to brown a bit before adding vegetables and finally, water.

Half an hour or so later, the stew is ready. I bring out my only bowl and fill it with stew for Gandalf, while I just eat out of the bowl. Shut up, I can be a lady when I wanna be; I just like being a barbarian on occasion, and on occasion is a lot.

"So, how long are ya' stayin'?" I ask, food in my mouth. Gandalf gives me a chastising look, and I just grin at him.

"Just for the night, if that's acceptable?" Gandalf asks, I nod.

"I've told you before, you're always welcome in my house," I say with a smile. These Middle Earthlings and their manners, they're always so polite. "You can take the guest room."

After we're finished eating, I clean up the mess and talk with Gandalf. We sit out after the sun goes down, smoking some really good pipe weed that Gandalf brought.

In the morning he sets out again, and as I am waving him goodbye I start planning things out in my head. I'm making a mental list of the things needed for my trip, and I'm going to set out in a month or two. I want this journey to not be as tiring and in case I run into some trouble along the way, I want wiggle room. I don't want them to leave without me.

I'm still wondering how Gandalf is going to convince them to let me come, especially Thorin. Dwarves are, by nature, very protective of their woman. Adding to that, the fact that there is so little Dwarf woman, makes them more protective. And I, being a woman, will also seem like a liability. They're already bringing a Hobbit…. I somehow need to prove to them that I can take care of myself. I'm totally banking on Gandalf vouching for me…. Great.

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**There you go, my fair people. Uh, yeah... Please review and tell me what you think. If you see any mistakes, tell me. Um follow or favorite if you really like it. It would totally make my day, and I would give you virtual cookies.**

**Well, peace out. Hope you all have amazing weeks and you finally get your letters from Hogwarts.**

**-JenniFromTheBak**


	3. Starting Without Me? That's Rude

**Hellooooo Interwebs! How are you guys and your beautiful faces? Well, I guess your faces are part of you so... Whatever. I wanna thank PEleni527 for reviewing and following this story, and also Ava Nova for following as well. You guys totally made my week, or maybe month... So, check those guys pages out, I read some of their stories and they are both amazing writers. Oh yeah, and those virtual cookies that I promised are right... HERE. ****I also wanna thank my amazing lil sister for Beta-ing this chapter. She doesn't have a account on here but she's a really good writer. I'm tiring to get her to publish some stuff on here.  
**

**I don't own The Hobbit, or these characters. Well, besides the one that's mine. I also don't own anything that you recognize, the owner of said thing does. Uh, yeah, that concludes the disclaimer.**

**Well, once more into the breech I guess... **

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Bilbo Baggins has, by now, almost completely forgotten about that old grey bearded man and his rubbish adventures. He is just sitting down to eat his dinner when the bell on his door rings. He, being a chivalrous hobbit, didn't want to leave any guest waiting so he runs to his door. Though if anyone were to ask him later, he would claim that he just calmly walked, like a respectable Hobbit. When he makes it to the door, he quickly fixes himself and opens it.

Who-or rather what-was standing out there, Bilbo really wasn't ready for. There was a white shiny thing with black markings, and under it what liked like a big pile of cloth and furs with axes strapped to it. But then it turned, and Bilbo spluttered and squeaked.

"Wha-wh-a-he-goo-um…" IT IS A DWARF! There is a Dwarf on his doorstep and he is just standing there spluttering. Let no one say that Bilbo Baggins is not a gentleman. He straightens his back and clears his throat.

"Goo-" Bilbo starts, but the Dwarf walks into his house! Well, he must've taken to long, bad of him. Always invite the guest in; he must've seemed so rude!

"Dwalin, at your service," the Dwarf-Dwalin- bows, while Bilbo squeaks, and then shakes himself a bit.

"Bilbo Baggins, at yours," Dwalin continues inside. "Do we know each other?"

"No. Which way is it laddie? Is it down here?" Dwalin indicates the way to the kitchen.

"I-is what down where?" Bilbo questions while Dwalin dumps some of his things on the ground and thrusts the rest onto Bilbo. 

"Supper," Dwalin answers. "He said there'd be food and lots of it." 

"H-he said? Who said?" They walk into the kitchen where Dwalin sits at Bilbo's seat, and starts eating the startled Hobbit's dinner. After he finishes with the fish, he eats the head. Bilbo looks on in disgust. 

"Very good, this. Any more?" Dwalin questions, bringing Bilbo out of his repulsed state. 

"What? Oh, y-yes… Help yourself," Bilbo brings over a platter of biscuits, hurriedly hiding one behind his back for himself. Dwalin stuffs his mouth with them. 

"It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company," Bilbo begins, but is interrupted by the bell ringing. Dwalin looks up at him. 

"That'll be the door," Dwalin states, helpfully. Bilbo nods and apprehensively walks into the entryway. He opens the door and looks out. On his doorstep is another Dwarf, this one shorter and with white hair. 

"Balin, at your service," He introduces himself with a slight bow. 

"Good evening…" Bilbo says while Balin nods. 

"Yes, yes it is, though I think it may rain later. Am I late?" Balin asks, making Bilbo even more confused. 

"Late for what?" He asks. Balin looks behind the hobbit and spots a familiar face. 

"Oh, ha, ha! Evening brother!" He greats the other dwarf, who is trying to get more biscuits from Bilbo's jar. Balin walk over to Dwalin. 

"By my beard, you're shorter and wider then last we met!" Dwalin states. 

"Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for the both of us," Balin corrects. Laughing, they greet each other amicably. Putting their arms on each other's shoulders, they smash their foreheads together. Bilbo looks on in wonder. Then shakes himself, there are Dwarves in his home! He shouldn't be watching their odd, painful greetings!

"Um, excuse me; sorry, I hate to interrupt, but the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you have the right house…" The Dwarves, ignoring Bilbo, go into the Hobbit's pantry.

"Have you eaten?" Dwalin asks his brother.

"It's not that I don't like visitors; I-I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit, but I do like to know them before they come visiting." Bilbo goes on with his rant. Dwalin and Balin, not listening to Bilbo, are still rifling through his pantry.

"Ah, that looks very nice indeed," Balin says, looking over the Hobbits food. The older dwarf then picks up a lump of cheese.

"What's this?" Dwalin asks, indicating the cheese in his brother's hand.

"I don't know, cheese?" Balin questions.

"The thing is, um-" Bilbo continues.

"It's gone blue," Baling notes.

"It's riddled with mould," Dwalin agrees, then takes the cheese from his brother and tosses it out of the pantry, past the still-speaking Bilbo

"The thing is, um, I, I don't know either of you, not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I uh, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry." Bilbo finally finishes his tirade. The two Dwarves pause, looking back at the Hobbit.

"Hm. Apology accepted." Balin nods to the Hobbit, then he and his brother go back to raiding the pantry.

"Mm!" Bilbo squeaks, miffed.

"Ah, now fill it up, brother, don't stint. I could eat again, if you insist." Balin says, handing a tankard to Dwalin so that it can be filled with ale. In the background, the doorbell rings again.

Bilbo and opens it to see two Dwarves, younger than the ones in his pantry. One is blonde while the other is a brunette. When he sees them he makes a noise that sound like a moan.

"Fili-" The blonde starts.

"-And Kili-" The brunette adds.

"-At your service!" they finish together, bowing simultaneously. When they look up, they're smiling like loons.

"You must be Mister Boggins!" Kili says.

"Nope, you can't come in; you've come to the wrong house," Bilbo argues, trying to close the door, but Kili stops the doors progression with his foot.

"What? Has it been cancelled?" Kili asks desperately.

"No one told us," Fili puts in.

"Can-? No, nothings been cancelled," Bilbo says, thoroughly confused.

"Well, that's a relief!" Kili sighs, while him and his brother push their way inside, and begin unloading their things onto Bilbo.

"Carful with these. We just had them sharpened," Fili says, while Kili inspects Bilbo's home.

"It's nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" He asks, then proceeding to scrape the mud off his boots on a chest nearby.

"No. That's my mother's glory box; can you please not do that?" Bilbo asks, but gets ignored when Dwalin walks in.

"Fili, Kili, come on give us a hand," Dwalin says.

"Mister Dwalin," Kili acknowledges. They all walk back into the room where Balin is.

"Let's shove this into the hall; otherwise we'll never get everyone in." The Dwarves prepare to move Bilbo's furniture around to create a meeting/feasting area when Bilbo interrupts them.

"Everyone? How many are there?" Bilbo questions, a bit frantically. The Dwarves are kept from answering by the ring of the doorbell. Bilbo, in anger, walks quickly towards the door, dumping the Dwarves things from his arms along the way. He starts to rant on his way over.

"Oh no. No, no! There's nobody home. Go away, and bother somebody else. There's far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If- if- If this is some clotterd's idea of a joke, ha-ha, I can only say, it is in very poor taste."

When the angered Hobbit makes it to the door, he's getting ready to give the person on the other side a piece of his mind. But when he opens the door, an entire heap of Dwarves, eight to be exact, fall in. Bilbo stands, gaping, as the pile of dwarves in his entryway struggle to get up, grumbling and yelling at each other. He looks up and spots a tall figure behind them, still standing on his doorstep.

"Gandalf…" Bilbo breathes in relief.

* * *

"THAT'S WHAT BILBO BAGGINS HATES!" The Dwarves and Gandalf all laugh at Bilbo's slack jawed face. Suddenly, there are three loud knocks on the front door, and everyone falls silent.

"He's here," Gandalf says ominously. They all walk over and someone opens the door. There stands a Dwarf. But this one radiates power. He has a proud stance, broad shoulders, and a majestic air. He strides in without invitation.

"Gandalf, I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn't have found it at all if it had not been for that mark on the door," The newest Dwarf says.

"Mark?" Bilbo gasps. "There's no mark on that door, it was painted a week ago."

"There is a mark; I put it there myself," Gandalf confirms. "Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce you to the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield."

"So, this is the Hobbit," Thorin starts circling Bilbo. "Tell me Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?"

"Pardon me?" Bilbo squeaks, thoroughly intimidated.

"Axe or sword? What's your weapon of choice?" The Dwarf demands.

"Well, I have some skill at conkers, if you must know. But I fail to see why that's relevant," Bilbo states.

"Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer then a burglar," Thorin says with a smirk. All the Dwarves laughed. Then new voice startles them all.

* * *

"Hm… Looks like you've gotten started without me," I say, standing there in my badass outfit. I totally stopped earlier to change into this. My outfit looks sorta like the one from Assassins Creed, if you dyed it black. Plus it's fitted to me. Well, back to reality, they left the door open, so I thought I'd be all dramatic and shit… It worked, I swear I heard Bilbo gasp. I did leave my hood up for a reason, Bitches.

"Now, now Vash. No need to scare the poor little Hobbit," Gandalf chastises me. What? That old man is chastising me in front of the people I'm supposed to impress. You don't chastise a BAMF Gandy. You just don't. Fucking Wizard… I walk into Bag End and pull down my hood. I hear Bilbo gasp again. My eye patch always freaks people out; I think its bad ass. I always wanted a scar on my face. My sister and I would compete for the most bad ass scars and now I win. On either side of my patch is the beginning of the wound, which now healed as a scar. It makes people take me seriously, and not just think I'm an arrogant girl, makes me look more like a BAMF. It also helps me channel my inner Director Fury… Which is also good?

"Well, shall we?" I question, motioning to the dining room. "I don't know about you, but I'm famished." I start to move, but give pause when Thorin holds up his hand.

"Who are you?" He demands. I look down at him. I'm about 5'9"/5'10", and he looks around 4'10"or 5'… ha-ha, bitches. I'm taller than a Dwarf.

"Wel-" I start, but Gandalf interrupts me, damn Maia. Thorin should be glad I was interrupted by that Wizard, cause I was about to sass his ass to China. Which is probably not possible considering we're probably in another dimension, but whatever. I would've found a way.

"This is Vash Swiftblade." I do a mocking bow to the would-be-king.

"THE Vash Swiftblade?" He snorts. "You expect me to believe that Vash Swiftblade is a woman?"

"Yes," I say with a nod, and walk into the dining room. Ha-ha, fuck your couch! I'm a BAMF, asshole. Of course Vash Swiftblade isn't my birth name, but it's served me well for 60 or so years. And besides, it's a bad ass name.

I get a bowl and fill it with some delicious smelling stew. I head over to the table and sit down to tuck in. When I do, Fili sits down on my right and Kili on my left.

"I'm Kili, and this is my brother Fili," Kili introduces enthusiastically, while Fili just nods along. I think he's trying the indifferent BAMF look to impress me. Well sorry, but the only BAMF here is me.

"Hmm… Does your uncle condone you talking to the stranger that he doesn't trust?" I ask in a bored tone. But on the inside I totally fangirling sooooo hard. I'M SITTING IN BETWEEN FILI AND KILI!

"We have already come of age, there is no need for our uncle to condone our actions," Fili says, always the diplomatic one. I've gotta say, I always liked Fili better than Kili. He was the unappreciated one, well, in the movie. It's probably the hipster in me, but I always did.

"I don't think that's gonna make him any less pissed off at either of you," I reply truthfully.

"I don't think she likes us, brother," Fili says suggestively while Kili nods over exaggeratedly.

"I think that needs to be changed; don't you agree, brother?" Kili asks while Fili nods in the same way Kili did earlier.

"Hmm… I completely agree brother. Can't have such a beautiful lady not appreciate our charm." He says.

"I'm sorry boys, but there has to be charm present for one to appreciate it." Kili gasps in faux offence, while Fili just looks a tad bit miffed. I smirk at them. The rest of the  
Dwarves fill the room, shooting wary glances my way. They all sit down, with Thorin at the head of the table.

"What news from the meeting at Ered Luin? Did they all come?" Balin questions Thorin, while the Dwarf prince eats. I also take this time to eat my stew, damn Dwarven princes and hindering my consumption of yummy food.

"Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms." The Dwarves murmur their joy.

"What do the Dwarves of the iron hills say? Is Dain with us?" Dwalin asks.

"They will not come. They say this quest is ours and ours alone." Thorin replies, making the Dwarves all murmur in disappointment.

"You're going on a quest?" Looks like Bilbo finally got the nerve to speak up. I give a grin and a quiet snort.

"Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us a little more light," Gandalf tells the Hobbit. Bilbo gets candelabra while Gandalf spreads a map on the table.

"Far to the east, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak," Gandalf begins.

"The Lonely Mountain," Bilbo reads.

"Aye. Oin has read the portents and the portents say its time," Gloin says.

"Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain, as it was foretold: when the birds of ore return to Erebor the reign of the Beast will end," Oin confirms. Bilbo, hearing 'the Beast' looks terrified.

"What beast?" Bilbo asked concernedly. I roll my eyes, I totally remember this part. Bofur, ever helpful, decides to answer the poor Hobbit.

"Well, that would be reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely  
fond of precious metals-"

"Yes, I know what a dragon is," Bilbo interrupts. Then Ori, feeling brave or something, jumps up.

"I'm not afraid! I'm up for it; I'll give him a taste of Dwarvish iron right up his jacksy!" He yells, which causes the rest of the Dwarves to cheer, while his brothers just pull down. Then Balin has to go and spoil the mood.

"The task will be difficult with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen. Not thirteen of the best, nor brightest." They start to object, saying things like 'Who are you calling dim?' 'Watch it!' and 'No!'

"We may be few in number, but we're fighters, all of us, to the last Dwarf!" Fili argues.

"And you forget, we have a Wizard in our company. Gandalf will have killed hundreds of Dragons his time," Kili adds. I'm just laughing as silently as I can, because I know that ol' Gandy hasn't killed any Dragons in his time.

"Oh, well now, I wouldn't say-" Gandalf starts, but is interrupted by Dori.

"How many then?"

"I, uh, what?"

"How many Dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!" Gandalf embarrassedly starts coughing on his pipe smoke. The Dwarves start arguing about the number of Dragons Gandalf has killed. Thorin jumps up in anger and bellows, silencing the rest.

"Shazara! [Silence!] If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumours have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for 60 years. Eyes look east to the Mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor? Du Bekâr! Du Bekâr! [To arms! To arms!]" All the Dwarves cheer at Thorin's speech, while I just smirk. 

"You forget: the front door is sealed. There is no way into the mountain," Balin says, always the one to ruin a mood. But, then good ol' Gandy comes to the rescue:

"That, my dear Balin, is entirely true." BOOM. Twiddling his fingers, Gandalf produces a Dwarven key out of thin air. Cause yeah, he's a Wizard. Everyone looks on in wonder, besides me of course; I'm just sitting there, smirking.

"How came you by this?" Thorin breaths.

"It was given to me by your father, by Thrain, for safekeeping. It is yours now," The Wizard answers. Gandalf hands the key to the stunned Dwarf, while the other Dwarves are silently staring in wonder.

"If there is a key, there must be a door," Fili points out. I face palm and mutter 'Thank you captain obvious' under my breath. Gandalf points to the runes on the map with pipe.

"These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls," He says.

"There's another way in!" Kili exclaims. God, pointing out the obvious must run in their family. Though they must've gotten it from their dad, because Thorin doesn't do that… I think.

"If we can find it. Dwarf doors are invisible when closed: The answer lies hidden somewhere on this map and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others still in Middle Earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of strength, and no small amount of courage. But if we are careful and clever, I believe it can be done," Gandalf finishes. Damn man, that Wizard could be a motivational speaker.

"That's why we need a burglar," Ori puts in. Maybe it's just a Dwarf thing to point out the obvious.

"And a good one, I imagine," Bilbo says thoughtfully.

"And are you?" Gloin asks.

"Am I what?" He asks, looking confused. I face palm again, I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Dwarves.

"He said he's an expert! Hey, Hey!" Oin says which causes some of the Dwarves to cheer and others to laugh.

"Me? No, no, no. I'm not a burglar; I've never stolen anything in my life," Bilbo protests.

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material," Balin states, Bilbo nodding his head in agreement.

"Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk, who can neither fight nor fend for themselves." Dwalin looks pointedly in my direction when he says that. I narrow my eyes at him. I've been living in the wild for almost 60 years, sir; sorry if you can't stand the fact that a woman is a BAMF, but I am. All the Dwarves start arguing about Bilbo and his burgling abilities. Gandalf, I can tell, is getting pretty pissed off at them. He stands to his feet, and casts darkness over the group. He starts speaking in his 'powerful' voice. The Dwarves and Bilbo look on in fear and awe; I just sit back and rest my hands behind my head, done with my stew.

"Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is!" Gandalf then relaxes and goes back to his normal self.

"Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most if they choose. And while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of dwarf, the scent of hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company, and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest, and he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself. You must trust me on this."

"Very well. We'll do it your way. Give him a contract, but what of the woman," Thorin asks, I snort.

"The woman you speak of has a name," I state and Thorin looks mildly annoyed.

"Yes, what of Ms. Swiftblade?" Balin says, trying to defuse the tension.

"It's actually Lady, but you all can call me Vash," I say, looking at my nails.

"Yes, but why are you here?" Thorin asks, making me look up from my nails with raised eyebrows.

"First of all, rude," and not ginger. "Secondly, Gandalf invited me," I smile. "Sorry Oakenshield, did I intrude on your super-secret tea party?" Thorin growls, but before he can start anything, Gandalf interrupts.

"You've all herd the stories of Vash Swiftblade, most of which are true. Also, she has been traversing Middle Earth for a very long time. She is a very skilled huntress and assassin and can be very entertaining when provoked," I give the old man a dirty look at that statement. "She has also saved my life a time or to," leaving out the fact that it was my fault he was in danger in the first place, good on you Gandy. "In my opinion, it would be a very grave mistake on your part to not to allow her on this quest." Thorin gave a resigned sigh.

"Give Lady Swiftblade one as well," Thorin says. Fili and Kili grin at me while I just roll my eye at them.

"Alright, we're off!" Bofur says. Bilbo has been objecting to Gandalf and Thorin this whole time, but no one has been paying him any mind. Balin hands Bilbo and I long contracts.

"I'll just have to change the pronouns on here, lass," He tells me, I smile and thank him. "It's just the usual summary of out of pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth."

"Funeral arrangements?" Bilbo squeaks. As Bilbo takes a few steps back, Thorin leans toward Gandalf and whispers to him:

"I cannot guarantee their safety."

"Understood."

"Nor will I be responsible for their fate."

"Agreed" When I stop listening to them, I hear Bilbo start reading parts of the contract aloud.

"Terms: Cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding one fourteenth of total profit, if any. Seems fair. Eh, Present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof including but not limited to lacerations ... evisceration … incineration?" He stops.

"Oh, aye, he'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye." Bofur says, helpfully. Sorry about all the sarcasm dripping from that word, it's probably made a mess of the floor.

"Huh," Bilbo says, looking breathless

"You all right, laddie?" Balin askes, concerned for the poor little Hobbit. Bilbo bends over, nauseous and pained.

"Uh, yeah...Feel a bit faint." Bilbo answers.

"Think furnace with wings." Bofur says. Is he trying to be helpful? Cause… He's kinda failing.

"Air, I-I-I need air." Bilbo gets out.

"Flash of light, searing pain, then Poof! You're nothing more than a pile of ash." Bofur puts in. Bilbo breathes heavily, trying to compose himself as all of us are staring at him.

"Hmmm. Nope." And then the poor little guy goes down in a feint. Wow, those Dwarves are sure mean. I have to get a silent chuckle at how easy it was to make the Hobbit go down though.

"You're very helpful Bofur," Gandalf and a few other Dwarves carry Bilbo to his sitting room. I sign the bottom of the contract with a flourish, hand it Balin, and walk outside. It was getting a little too claustrophobic in there for me. I sit down on the steps to think when I hear the door open. I don't look back, I know who it is.

"Why would you go with us?" He asks. I look back up at Thorin and spy him leaning against the door jam.

"Well, Master Oakenshield, I could tell you I was bored, but something tells me you wouldn't take that as an answer," He nods his head in agreement. "I guess… You've all lost your home, and I want to help you get it back. I've lost everything before, and it really puts things into prospective. And, Dwarves can't be THAT bad company, can they?" I ask with a smile, and I swear I see one side of his mouth twitch.

"I don't trust you yet, Lady Swiftblade," Thorin says slowly.

"I know, I wouldn't either, and seriously, call me Vash," He nods and turns to leave. "And I'm gonna call you Thorin, and you're just gonna have to deal with it," I call after him. He doesn't even pause in his step, douche.

I take out my pipe and the stash of old Toby I grabbed from inside. I fill my pipe and I'm about to light it when someone interrupts me. Well, make that two someones.

"A lady shouldn't smoke you know," Fili says from the open doorway. I slowly turn my head and come face to face with my favourite brothers. Note the sarcasm.

"Hypocrite," I accuse without any malice; and, still looking at them, light the pipe. I breathe the smoke and blow some smoke rings at them. I turn back around to face the beautiful scenery of Hobbiton.

"But you forget, we are not ladies," Kili protests. I turn my head to look at him and raise one eyebrow sceptically which makes them laugh. Fili and Kili come and sit on either side of me, like before, and pull out pipes of their own to smoke with.

"Is there a legitimate reason that you're out here, or is the whole line of Durin going to come visit me?" I ask after a while of silence. Both of their heads simultaneously snap in my direction.

"Our uncle came out here?" Kili says surprised, while Fili just sounds out an exasperated "Our uncle?"

"Do keep up boys. Your uncle is suspicious of me, still probably will be until I save your asses," Kili looks surprised while Fili chuckles. "Sorry, children present, do I have to censor my language or something?" I ask Fili, which just makes him chuckle more while Kili huffs.

"I am not a child," I swear he's pouting.

"Then don't act like one," I put simply. I swear I had this same conversation with Gandy, only the roles were reversed. Fili and I laugh together, and with a bit of coaxing, Kili admits that it was 'A little bit funny'

"So, what are we supposed to call you?" Kili asks while Fili nods along with his brother's question.

"Good point, brother. You have so many names, what do we call you?" Fili asks.

"Pick one." I tell him blandly.

"Hmm… Which name do you think, brother?" Kili asks. I roll my eye.

"Well, we can rule out 'The Shadow' that would be ridiculous. Hmm… Think we could call her Blade?" Fili asks.

"No, it just doesn't sound right. We could call her Swift," Kili says.

"By the Valar, no!" I say. They shoot each other smirks over my head.

"But, Swift, I really think it suits you," Fili says, I glare at him.

"Yeah, Swift, it's the perfect name for you," Kili agrees.

"If you two are going to go on with this, I will make you call me Lady Swiftblade. And that's not a threat, it's a promise," I tell them, trying to hide the little flicker of amusement from showing in my eye.

"Well brother, the lady seems serious. Let's pick one…" Kili complies with my wishes.

"Vash," Fili tries it out. "I like it. Though, isn't that a man's name?" I nod.

"Yup, though everyone thought I was a man anyway, so it kinda worked out," I say, shrugging my shoulders.

"So, it's not your birth name?" Kili asks, curiously.

"Yup!" I say with fake cheerfulness, jump up and walk to the door. I hear Fili mutter a 'Good job brother' to Kili right before I shut the door. I'm not mad, I just don't like people prying into my private life.

* * *

I'm sitting in the living room with the Dwarves when they begin humming and I hear Thorin sing, and the others join in. I really want to join in, but I already feel like I'm intruding on their moment. My eyes are getting heavy, and I drift off to the last strains of the Dwarves' song.

* * *

**Well, this one was 4,795 words. I hope your happy. It was hard deciding where to stop the chapter. Sorry that it didn't take a lot of convincing to get Thorin to let her go, but I really didn't know what to say... Lo siento. And, now you know her name! Well, her commonly used alias! Be happy! **

**Please review! Follow! Favorite! It would totally make my week! Again! I'll try and post again on Monday! **

**-JenniFromTheBak**


	4. Roll, Like a Wheel?

**Interwebs! How are you today? I would like to thank Jimxi and ToriLynn88 for following this story. HERE are your virtual cookies, I hope they're magically delicious. I wanna thank my lil sister again for Beta-ing this chapter.  
**

**I don't own Middle Earth, or the residents of ME. I do own Vash and her back story. I don't own the song, either. Or anything else that you recognize.**

**Now, read on!**

* * *

I wake up at dawn, like usual. I stand up and look to the floor.

"The floor is coved in Dwarves…" I whisper to myself. I try to find openings of floor between them to step. I eventually make my way through to the entryway, where I had put my gear last night. When I finish putting it all on, I head out the door. Outside, sitting on the steps, is a certain old ass dwarf. I gotta complement him on his handwriting though, that contract was fucking magnificent.

"Morning," I say, stretching my arms and arching my back. That hobbit hole is beautiful, but fucking tiny. Balin turns his head in my direction and nods at me.

"Good mornin' lass," He says with a smile. I smile back and take a seat next to him.

"So, you were all talking about me last night, what was the overall reaction?" I question.

"To tell you the truth, most of the older Dwarves were against having a woman with us. But the younger ones were all for having the legendary Vash Swiftblade with us," He says. I give a small laugh.

"I have to say, that's very practical of you all. But I have been living in the wild for the greater part of my life," I tell him, trying not to freak out on the old dude, they were being practical.

"Well, no offence meant lass, but you look like you haven't even seen 25 summers yet." I snort.

"Oh, I saw 25 summers a long, long while Master Dwarf," I tell him, amusement thickening my voice.

"Just Balin, lass," He tells me.

"Then you can call me Vash," I say with a smile, which he returns.

"Well Vash, are the stories true?" He asks curiously. I shrug.

"Well, name something I've supposedly done, and I'll tell you if it's true or not," I say. We talk for a while and I got to admit, he's a cool down to Earth dude. I see where the sun is and I excuse myself.

I walk outside Bilbo's gate, and whistle loudly. Truthfully, before I came to Middle Earth, I couldn't whistle worth shit. But, being away from the internet has given me a lot of time to accomplish things. Now I can successfully impersonate a lot of animal calls and shit. You gotta know that stuff apparently, that's what I've been told. I've actually whistled the one song the dwarves do in snow white while chopping wood once. Lowest point in my life right there.

My midnight black mare canters down the path to me. I named her Luna. I've had her for a while, gotten quite attached.

"Luna," I coo to her when she gets to me. "Did you terrorise the Hobbits without me?" I ask, and she snorts at me. "Well, I thought I made you promise not to do that  
without me?" She snorts again. "True, you are a horse, but it sounded sort of affirmative?" another snort. "Well, never mind. Let's get you ready, shall we?"

* * *

I'm finished with Luna, so I head inside for some breakfast. When I make it into the dining room, the whole place is overflowing with Dwarves feasting on their breakfast.

"Having a party without me? Wow boys, I'm wounded," I clutch my hand to my heart. It makes Fili, Kili, Ori and Bofur laugh and a few others crack a smile. Dwalin, Gloin, Oin (pretty sure he couldn't hear me), and Thorin shut up immediately and go back to their food. I raise my eyebrows at them and then smirk. I fill a plate for myself, walk past the place Fili and Kili made for me, and proceed to sit right in the middle of the group of pissed off people.

"So, Dwalin, nice weather we're having, aye?" I ask innocently, I hear Fili and Kili laughing. Dwalin just replies with a grunt, I hum. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the floor this morning." More snickering.

"Don't talk to me, woman," Dwalin growls. I raise one eyebrow at him.

"So, being a 'woman'," I make air quotes around the word. "Implies I am an adult. Therefore I can take care of myself; which makes my wellbeing my own responsibility. So don't mistake me for a child, Master Dwarf, and I will show you the same courtesy." I pause to let that sink in. "And, correct me if I'm wrong, but being a part of a company means you have each other's backs. No matter their gender. I hope you remember that when I save your ass from the danger we'll eventually run into." I stand and grab my plate. "Now, if you will excuse me gentlemen, I have some Hobbits to terrorize." I grin and walk out, plate in hand, after I swiped Thorin's flagon of course. I take a swig, ale, nice drink for the early morning. I guess they just drink all day so that they'll be drunk by night time? Dwarves, I'll never understand 'em.

I go outside and sit on the bench Bilbo was sitting on when Gandalf talked to him yesterday morning. I started humming one of my favourite songs when I was done with my breakfast.

_Well there's a river that runs through Glasgow_  
_And makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks_  
_And her current just like my blood flows_  
_Down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart_

_Well I would swim but the river is so wide_  
_And I'm scared I won't make it to the other side_  
_Well God knows I've failed but He knows that I've tried_  
_I long for something that's safe and warm_  
_But all I have is all that is gone_  
_I'm as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde_

_Well on one side all the lights glow_  
_And the folks know and the kids go where the music and the drinking starts_  
_On the other side where no cars go_  
_Up to the hills that stand alone like my restless heart_

_Well I would swim but the river is so wide_  
_And I'm scared I won't make it to the other side_  
_Well God knows I've failed but He knows that I've tried_  
_I long for something that's safe and warm_  
_But all I have is all that is gone_  
_I'm as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde_

_Well the sun sets late in Glasgow_  
_And the daylight and the city part_  
_And I think of you in Glasgow_  
_Cos you're all that's safe, you're all that's warm in my restless heart_

_~Feather on the Clyde- Passenger~_

"That was beautiful," I hear whispered beside me. I look to my left and see Ori. I smile at the timid little Dwarf.

"Thank you," I say sincerely. "I haven't sung in front of any one in many a year." Ori shuffles his feet nervously. My smile widens.

"I just, um," he clears his throat. "I just wanted to say that that was a nice, um, good speech you, uh, spoke." I chuckle a little.

"Everyone heard that, ay?" I ask and he nods.

"Yes," He says. "Fili and Kili were very amused." I laugh outright then.

"Ah, yes, I bet they were. So, Ori, what brings you out here? I don't imagine your brothers will be very happy with you, talking to the girl who pissed off Dwalin." I question.

"Well, we're packing up our stuff, but no one was going to get you, after you said those things to Dwalin, so, um, I thought I should," He says uncertainly. I smile at him, trying to relax him a bit.

"So," I start amusement thick in my voice. "You were braver then all those battle hardened warriors huh?" He blushes while I chuckle a bit. "Well Ori, shall we." I stand and grab the plate and flagon. Right when we walk in, they get snatched out of my hands. I smile when I see the Dwarves working together seamlessly, cleaning Bilbo's house. I see Fili and Kili standing a few feet away from me and walk over to them. I throw my right arm over Fili's shoulder and my left over Kili's. They look up in surprise, I just smirk at them.

"We almost ready to roll out, boys?" they look at me weird. "Roll… Like a wheel…"

"Oh…" They say, but are still giving me weird looks. I roll my eye at them. Finally, Fili answers the question.

"Well, after we're done cleaning Mr. Baggins home, we will back up our belongings and… Roll out…" I snort when he says it like that. "I imagine you have a horse?" I look at him weird and nod my head, he grins at me. "You're going to ride with me and Kili." I roll my eye at him; detach myself from the Durin brothers and go to find the rest of my things.

* * *

We're all on the road; I just got done placing my bet on Bilbo coming. The pissed off people (for no good reason, I might add) have been kinda avoiding me. Very middle school of them. Gandalf has been shooting me amused looks… Fucking Wizard. Fili and Kili have been… Amusing to say the least. I can blame knowing everyone's name on them now. Bofur and Bombur have the funniest stories, like ever. Bifur kinda just sits there, its not like I could understand him anyway. Ori asks me millions of questions and writes down whatever I tell him. Dori and Nori are nice. Balin and I shared a friendly nod cause he's riding up in the front with his brother and Thorin. By the way, I don't know what happened to our friendly neighborhood brooding dwarf, I thought we were cool after our little pow-wow thing. I think Dwalin poisoned him against me… Fucker. And I thought Dwalin was supposed to be cool or something… Fucker. I don't blame Gloin. He had to leave his wife and kid to go on a suicide mission, and now he thinks he's being held back by having a woman in the company. And I bet he's poisoned his brother against me… Fucker.

"Wait!" I hear very faintly, so I stop Luna and turn my torso. Everyone, Gandalf excluded, looks at me oddly. Ha, I got better hearing then Dwarves.

"Wait! Wait!" Everyone stops their mounts now as Bilbo runs up the path behind us. "I signed it!" He says and hands the contract to Balin. The Dwarf takes the contract with inspects it with a pocket glass. He smiles down at the Hobbit.

"Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, Mister Baggins, to the Company of Thorin Oakenshield," Balin says. The Dwarves cheer, but Thorin looks unimpressed. I just smile and nod at the little Hobbit.

"Give him a pony," Thorin grumbles.

"No, no, no, that won't be necessary, I'm sure I can keep up on foot. I-I-I've done my fair share of walking holidays, you know. I even got as far a Frogmorton once- WAGH!" Bilbo's speech is cut off as Fili and Kili, riding alongside him, pick him up from behind and put him on a pony. Bilbo looks terrified, riding atop the pony. The pony neighs and tosses its head, making Bilbo look hilariously uncomfortable.

"Come on Nori, pay up!" Oin calls out. Nori tosses a pouch of money to the half deaf Dwarf. More pouches of money come flying in different directions to different Dwarves. One gets tossed in my direction and I deftly catch it, with a smirk. I can tell the future, bitches, don't bet against me. Bilbo and Gandalf talk until Bilbo sneezes, and he realizes that he forgot his handkerchief.

"No, wait, wait, wait. Stop! We have to turn around!" He yells. The entire Company comes to a halt, and the Dwarves start objecting and asking what the problem is.

"What on earth is the matter?" Gandalf asks the distressed Hobbit.

"He probably forgot his handkerchief," I whisper jokingly to the Durin brothers, which causes them to snicker.

"I forgot my handkerchief," He says like it's the end of the world. Which makes Fili and Kili laugh outright. I roll my eyes and snort. Bofur, trying to nice, tears off part of his  
clothes and throws it to the distressed Hobbit.

"Here! Use this!" He calls. Bilbo catches it, and looks at the dirty piece of cloth in disgust. We all laugh at the domesticated Hobbit.

"Move out!" Thorin calls, so we do.

"… Home is now behind you; the world is ahead." I catch the end of Gandalf's pep talk to Bilbo over Fili and Kili talking my ears off. It reminds me of the song Pippin sang for Denethor, so I start humming that.

* * *

We are far out into the Lone-lands by the time we made our first camp. We had stayed all the nights before in inns for as long as we could, but there are none this far out in the wild. It was late at night, and Fili and Kili were on watch. I was supposed to be next, but I woke up early. I see Bilbo get up and walk over to Myrtle, his pony, and give her an apple. I smile at the adorable gesture of the Hobbit. We hear some Orcs screeching in the night. I leisurely look to were the noise came from and then look back to the Hobbit. Bilbo runs over to us, shivering in his adorable waistcoat.

"What was that?" He asks, shaking. I remember this part, and I don't want to be a part of it. I stand up, and walk over to the edge of the cliff were camping on.

"Orcs," Kili puts simply. Thorin awoke hearing the word. He looks to me, and I shake my head at him. I motion over to his nephews with my head.

"Orcs?" Bilbo asks, voice shaking even more than before. The boys nod their heads solemnly.

"Throat-cutters, they'll be dozens of them out there. The lowlands are crawling with them," Fili explains.

"They strike in the wee small hours; when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet; no screams, just lots of blood." Kili finishes. I narrow my good eye at them while Bilbo looks away in fright. Fili and Kili look at each other and begin laughing. Thorin, pissed as all hell, stands up and faces them.

"You think that's funny?" He growls. "You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?" The brothers quickly sober and shake their heads.

"We didn't mean anything by it," Kili defends.

"No, you didn't. You know nothing of the world." Thorin walks to the edge, right next to where I'm sitting. He looks out over the valley.

"You realize it's a good thing they know so little of the cruelty of this world? They need to hold onto their innocence while they still have it," I tell him. He promptly ignores me.

"What did you mean when you said you had lost everything?" He asks me instead. I give him a sarcastic smile.

"I meant exactly as I said, Master Dwarf," I say, if a bit condescendingly. As he crouches down next to me, I turn my head to stare him in the eyes.

"What have you to lose, girl?" He asks angrily. I know he isn't angry at me; just the shit life has dealt him. But that doesn't stop me from getting pissed off at his questioning how much my life was worth.

"When I say everything, I mean everything," I look him dead in the eye and glare so hard, any lower man would flinch. "I lost my friends. I lost my job. I lost my home. I lost my family. Do you know how many siblings I had, Thorin?"

"No," He answers. I raise my eyebrows.

"I had 6," I barely whisper, turning my head away to look over the cliff. "There were 7 of us in total, Thorin. 2 boys 5 girls altogether. We can do math, can't we?" I ask condescendingly. "4 sisters, 2 brothers. I can barely remember their names…" All the anger leaves my body, only self-loathing remains. "I can't even fucking remember their names." I clear my throat quickly, a little embarrassed that I let my walls slip, and look over to Thorin. "I had a good life, and then it ended. And every day I try to move on. I have a new life now, but I still hold my old life in my heart, because if it wasn't for my life before, I would be nothing now. Everything you go through moulds you into the person you are now. It's just up to you weather it's in a good way or not." I stand up and start my way back to the group.

"Which is it for you? Good or bad?" He asks me, and I pause.

"I ask myself that question every day," I answer, and keep walking. When I'm almost back to my spot, I catch the end of Balin's speech.

"-is the one who I could follow. There is one I could call king." I sit down on my bedroll. Thorin turns back to the group. Bilbo and the Dwarves are all standing in awe and reverence, and facing the would-be-King under the Mountain. Thorin walks between them towards the fire.

"But the pale Orc? What happened to him?" Bilbo breaks the silence.

"He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago," Thorin answers. Balin and Gandalf share a glance while I just stare straight at the Maia  
with a narrowed eye.

* * *

"So, Vash," I hear from my right. I look over only to see Fili, who I raise my eyebrows at.

"So, Fili," I shoot back to the blonde heir of Durin. He gives me a mischievous smirk, which is screaming bad news. I literally can hear the Bad News Bears growling at me. Well, maybe not, but still.

"We were wondering," Kili says from my left, and I look to him.

"Always a bad thing when it comes to you two," I say, leaning back so I can see them both. They ignore my comment. What's with the line of Durin and ignoring my good advice? Bastards.

"Can you actually use your weapons-" Fili starts.

"Or are they just for show?" Kili finishes the question.

"You think they call me Vash Swiftblade just for kicks?" I ask, standing. "Cause I can beat your asses, quickly." I draw my blades, dual swords, it's like you cut a two hander in half.

"We know you can talk, Vash, but can you fight?" Fili asks, making me laugh. After we get into an open clearing, we face each other preparing to fight. I swing my blades in circles, circling with my wrists. I cross them in front of me individually, loosening my joints.

"Are you trying to intimidate me Fili?" I swear that dwarf is thicker than his uncle, I'm literally a legend. "I have height, age, and experience on my side, Dwarf. I have single-handedly killed legions of Orcs. I think your brother and you together could last a few minutes, but someone doesn't always have your back on the field on battle."

"What would you know of that?" Questioning my battle knowledge? Bitch. "How old are you anyway? 12?" My age too? Fucker.

"How old am I? Fili, Fili, Fili. How rude are you, asking a woman's age? Are all the line of Durin as rude as you and your uncle? I'm surprised you line has lasted this long." Fili growls at me, oh mentioning his family pisses him off I guess. He charges at me with the sword in his right, so I block with my left. I immediately lunge with my right, trying to take him off guard, but he holds me off with his left. We're at an impasse, he's holding me at bay, and I him. I give him a changeling smirk which he replies to with a wink. We both pull our weapons out of the others grasp. By now we're surrounded by a group of chattering Dwarves, a scared Hobbit, and an amused Maia. I swear that Istar thinks everything I do is hilarious.

"That all you got, Dwarf?" I ask, and then grin when he growls again.

"Well, woman, you never answered my question, so I don't feel especially compelled to answer yours." I raise an eyebrow at him. This Dwarf is very insistent on knowing my age. Must be a bet or something.

"Why are you so bent on knowing my age?" I growl. We've been circling each other for a while now. He smirks and lunges for the opening on my left hip. But, unknown to him, I planned for that. I rotate my left wrist, swinging my sword in a downward arc to catch his before he can hit me. The move surprises him and while he's distracted, I lunge for an opening on him. I hit him the same way he tried to hit me, but I only let it nick his skin so it'll bleed a bit. We keep on lightly sparring, well, it's light for me. I think he may be out of breath a bit.

"Well, why won't you tell be your age, woman? You can't be that old, 26?" I snort.

"I haven't been that young in about 60 years," I actually stunned them into silence. Well, shit. Ha-ha, this is gonna be awkward to explain. That just opened me up to questions I don't know how to answer. Fucking Fili.

"86 years old then? I would say you've aged well… but…" I give a little amused, disbelieving laugh. We exchange more blows, but I'm getting tired of this. It's very tedious.

"I'm bored," I state. I use both my swords to knock his down to his sides, and do a full flip over the Dwarf. I spin, kick out his knees, and cross my blades over his throat. His breath is coming out in pants, even I'm breathing heavier than usual. I look up into Kili's wide surprised eyes and give him a grin. He, and everyone else have eyes as big as an anime character. Well, everyone except Gandalf. "I hope you bet on me, otherwise I'll be mightily disappointed."

"Uh. Sorry Vash, he's my brother" Kili says, a weak argument if you ask me. I purse my lips in disappointment and look to Mithrandir.

"You?" I ask.

"Of course I bet on you, child, I wanted to win," I smile at the Maia. "Now, if you would kindly release the Dwarf." I look at him surprised, then down to Fili.

"Oh…" I say, pull my swords away from his neck and sheath them. "Sorry Fee, can't win 'em all." I pat his back; I walk through the circle to Gandalf. The Istar is collecting his winnings, and gives me half of the profit. Together we walk back to the fire.

* * *

**Well, how'd you like it? Did you think it was good, bad, weird? Tell me!**

**I gotta ask, do ya'll want me to write, like, flashbacks from when she was still on our world or when she was transported to ME? Like where she went and how she reacted to being transported to ME? And where she was? Or how she met Gandy? Or Elrond? Or Galadriel? Or other important people? And, if I'm gonna do that, should I just start another story and put those stories in as one/two-shots? or should I put them in this story, as flashback thingys? Please review and tell me your thoughts, just a simple yeah would suffice.**

**Please, also, review, follow and favorite! It would be awesome! **

**_-JenniFromTheBak_**


	5. WTF, man? TOLKIEN!

**Hellllooooo! How're you guys doing? Remembering to put on your anti-possession charms, I hope? Good, good... Can't be to careful these days, anyone could be a demon! ****My sis Beta'd this chapter, so gracias to her. Erm... Onto the disclaimer:**

**I don't own, like, anything... 'sides Vash of course... Erm... I think that's it, right?**

**Once more unto the breach!**

* * *

"Mr. Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?" Dori asks, polite as ever. After my fight with Fili, a few days ago (Maybe a week or two, honestly I don't know), I won most of the Dwarves respect. I really, really, really, want to fight Dwalin, but I think tonight is the Trolls, or maybe it's tomorrow. I don't remember the details, like TIME, were kinda hazy in the movie. And this is the movie-verse. Or maybe it's a book-movie-verse. My life isn't really an exact science. Well, it's not a science at all, more of an art. 

"It's raining, Master Dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another Wizard," Gandalf grumbles. I don't know what's gotten into everyone; this is a fucking nice sprinkle. I lent the Hobbit my cloak, cause I fucking love rain.

"What crawled up his ass and died?" I ask quietly. The Dwarves that heard me chuckle.

"Are there any?" The Hobbit asks. Oh Bilbo, course there are!

"What?" Gandalf, are you deaf? Probably a bit. He is freaking old.

"Other Wizards?" Bilbo asks, clarifying for the old dude.

"There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, the White. Then there are two Blue Wizards; you know, I've quite forgotten their names."

"That's very rude of you, Olórin." I tell him. "Their names are Alatar and Pallando, well, they were. Now I think they're going by Morinehtar and Rómestámo." I give a teasing smile to the Istar. Some of the Dwarves give me weird looks, probably from knowing Wizard business.

"And who's the fifth?" Bilbo asks. I've met the fifth; he's even cooler in real life.. I totally, like, fangirled soooo hard. Its Sylvester McCoy, man, I couldn't just meet the 7th Doctor and be normal… Not that I'm normal in the first place, but you know what I mean.

"Well, that would be Radagast, the Brown," Gandalf answers. I would've been like: 'Brown, Radagast the Brown' like James Bond it up.

"Is he a great Wizard or is he… more like you?" Bilbo asks. I raise my eyebrows and snort at his subtlety. Gandalf looks offended.

"I think he's a very great wizard, in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the East, and a good thing too, for always Evil will look to find a foothold in this world."

* * *

I'm unloading the things from Luna when an angry Istar strides past me. I raise an eyebrow in question at his retreating form. Turning my head to at the direction he came from a look of realization slides onto my face. The remains of the house stand there and walking out of it is a fuming Thorin Oakenshield.

"Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going?" Bilbo asks, scared the Wizard was going to leave him.

"To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense," He replies.

"Who's that?"

"Myself, Mister Baggins! I've had enough Dwarves for one day."

"Hey! I take offence to that!" I yell after him. "Fucking Wizard, I have more sense than the whole bloody White Council," I grumble, going back to the task I was at before I was rudely interrupted.

"Come on, Bumbur, we're hungry." Thorin calls out to the Dwarf. I'm not, actually…

* * *

Well, I lied; I was actually starving… Oops. Everyone's around the fire, eating Bombur's surprisingly good stew. Well, besides Fili and Kili, who are not watching the ponies. I don't know what the fuck their doing, but they were given one easy ass job, and they couldn't do it. Fucking Dwarves.

"He's been gone a long time," Bilbo speaks for the first time since Gandalf left.

"Who?" Bofur asks.

"Gandalf," Bilbo says, causing me to face palm.

"Bilbo, he's literally known in the Bree-lands as The Wandering Wizard," I say. Bofur nods along with me.

"He's a Wizard, he does as he chooses. Here, do us a favour; take this to the lads." Bofur hands Bilbo two bowls of stew to take to Fili and Kili. As Bilbo leaves, Bombur tries to take more stew, but Bofur slaps his hand away from the pot.

"Stop it. You've had plenty." I smile at the banter.

"Here Bombur," I hand my half eaten bowl over to the Dwarf. "I'm full." I stand up and off in the forest, the opposite way Bilbo went, grabbing my gear on my way. I'm going to double back and watch the Troll camp.

"And where do you think you're going, lass?" Bofur calls. "You need to eat more, your skinny as a twig." I look back and see most of the Dwarves are looking at me, awaiting an answer. I raise my eyebrows at them.

"A twig that can kick your ass, you mean?" I ask and Bofur tries to fight a smile, but fails. "And I'm going to investigate, I thought I heard something."

"It was probably nothing, lass. You need to eat!" He insists.

"Nothing," I air quote. "Lost me an eye. And besides, didn't we already go over the fact that I can kick your ass?" I wink at him and keep walking into the forest.

"How can she-?" I hear Bofur start, dumbfounded. "Did she just wink at me with one eye?" I laugh outright at his incredulous tone of voice. My laughter is followed by the laughter of the other Dwarves.

* * *

I'm up in a tree on the outskirts of the Troll camp and debating in my mind whether or not I'm going to go down and help the Dwarves storm the camp or not. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the Trolls discover Bilbo.

"Argh! Blimey! Bert! Bert! Look what's come out of me 'ooter! It's got arms and legs and everything." William yells and the other Trolls gather around to look. Fureal, man? You really believe a full grown Hobbit came out of your nose? Trolls.

"What is it?" Tom questions.

"I don't know, but I don't like the way it wriggles around!" William answers and shakes Bilbo, covered in snot, off the handkerchief and onto the ground. Ew… that's gross, Pedro.

"What are you then?" Tom asks the snot covered Hobbit. "An oversized squirrel?"

"I'm a burglar- uhh, Hobbit." Bilbo answers. Haha, 'I'm a burglar' Yeah, that's a good thing to tell someone who you were about to steal from.

"A Burgla-Hobbit?" William questions.

"Can we cook `im?" asks Tom.

"We can try!" William announces. That's such a Troll thing to say… William tries to grab Bilbo, but he dodges, only to be cornered by Bert.

"He wouldn't make more than a mouthful, not when he's skinned and boned!" says Bert.

"Perhaps there's more Burglar-Hobbits around these parts. Might be enough for a pie." Tom says hopefully.

"Grab him!" Bert calls, but a Hobbit is very hard for Tolls to catch.

"It's too quick!" William calls. Or maybe you're just to slow. As the trolls try to catch Bilbo, he runs around trying to dodge them. Bert accidentally hits William with his ladle while trying to hit Bilbo. Bilbo is eventually caught by the legs by Tom, and held upside down in the air.

"Come here, you little... Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas `iding where you shouldn't? " Tom asks the terrified Hobbit.

"Nope." Bilbo lies. Well, not technically, cause there are no more Hobbits around.

"He's lying." William proclaims

"No I'm not!" Bilbo protests.

"Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal." William calls. Kili suddenly runs out of the bushes and cuts William in the leg, making him howl and fall down.

"Drop him," Kili growls. I jump down right next the Dwarf. I draw my bow and have an arrow notched quicker than you can blink, pointed right at those dirty ass Trolls.

"You, what?" Tom asks and I narrow my eye at him.

"The Dwarf told you to drop him," I inform them in a deadly calm voice, dripping with threat. Tom throws Bilbo at us, but I roll out of the way. I don't want Troll snot on me, thank you very much. The rest of the Company charges out of the woods, yelling and brandishing their weapons. We begin fighting the Trolls. Hacking, slashing, and hammering their legs. I've switched my bow out for my swords. I weave in and out of the Troll's legs, slashing and stabbing.

"Bilbo!" Kili calls and we stop fighting when we see the Trolls are holding Bilbo by his arms and legs.

"No!" Thorin yells.

"Lay down your arms, or we'll rip his off," Tom says, threateningly. We all look to Thorin for guidance. He looks at Bilbo in frustration; then puts his sword in the ground, so we drop our weapons as well.

* * *

I'm sitting in a fucking dirty ass sack, in my undergarments, WTF man? TOLKIEN! And to add insult to injury, I'm right fucking next to Thorin. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Broody Shady Shadow King and I get along fine, but when he's pissed off… You don't want to hear the shit that comes out of his mouth, And, he gets pissed off at anything. Its like he's on his period or something.

"Wait!" Bilbo yells. "You're making a terrible mistake!" Bilbo interrupts the Dwarves grumbling.

"You can't reason with them, their half-wits!" Dori yells.

"Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur, still trying to lighten the mood when we're about to be eaten, gotta love that Dwarf. Bilbo somehow manages to stand up, although still tied up in a sack, and faces the Trolls.

"Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning." Bilbo clarifies.

"What about the seasoning?" Bert asks. Dumbass trolls.

"Well, have you smelt them? You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up." The dwarves yell at Bilbo, calling him a traitor. The ones in sacks kick him. I actually think it's kinda funny, and not to mention true. Those Dwarves do smell pretty horrid…

"What do you know about cooking dwarf?" Tom asks the Hobbit.

"Shut up, and let the, uh, flurgaburburrahobbit talk." Bert tells him.

"Uh, th-the secret to cooking dwarf is, um-" Bilbo starts.

"Yes? Come on." Bert urges.

"It's, uh-" Bilbo continues.

"Tell us the secret." Bert says.

"Ye-yes, I'm telling you, the secret is … to skin them first!" Bilbo exclaims.

"Tom, get me the filleting knife." Bert tells his fellow Troll.

"If I get you, you little-" Gloin starts.

"I won't forget that!" Dwalin yells from the spit.

"What a load of rubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all." Tom protests. I see Gandalf slipping behind some trees nearby.

"`e's right! Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf! Nice and crunchy." William agrees, grabbing Bombur, who is in a sack, and dangling him upside down over his mouth, about to eat him.

"Not-not that one, he-he's infected!" Bilbo protests.

"You what?" Tom asks. That seems to be his catch-phrase or something, cause that's like the second time he's said it.

"Yeah, He's got worms in his … tubes." Bilbo says. Wow, very descriptive Bilbo, very nice. Though, it seems to be enough for the Trolls, because William drops Bombur right away after learning about the worms in his tubes.

"In-in fact they all have, they're in-infested with parasites. It's a terrible business; I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't." Bilbo says, hoping to save our asses. Well, worms in my tubes eh? I'm surprisingly okay with that…

"Parasites, did he say parasites?" Oin asks, thinking he must've heard wrong.

"We don't have parasites! You have parasites!" Kili yells. I mean, I like the kid, but he is really thick sometimes.

"What are you talking about, laddie?" Gloin asks, probably thinking the Hobbits gone insane. I think he's been insane for a while, going on a journey with Dwarves, but then again, I did to.

The rest of the dwarves chime in about how they don't have parasites and how Bilbo is a fool. Bilbo rolls his eyes as the dwarves mess up his plan. Thorin and I, understanding Bilbo's plan, kick all the others. They then, after getting the plan kicked into their surprisingly thick skulls, get the plan and go along with it. All the dwarves begin proclaiming about how they're "riddled" with parasites.

"I've got parasites as big as my arm." Oin proclaims.

"Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!" Kili yells, like it's a contest for biggest parasite.

"We're riddled." Nori proclaims.

"Yes, I'm riddled." Ori agrees with his brother.

"Yes we are. Badly!" Dori says. Seems like tricking Trolls is a family event here in Middle Earth.

"What would you have us do, then, let 'em all go?" Tom scoffs.

"Well..." Bilbo shrugs.

"You think I don't know what you're up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!" Tom yells.

"Ferret?" Bilbo exclaims.

"Fools?" Bert seems offended with the truth, huh; some people just can't take it. Right then, Gandalf appears on top of a large rock above the clearing.

"The dawn will take you all!" He yells in a powerful voice.

"Who's that?" Bert asks.

"No idea." Tom answers.

"Can we eat `im too?" William, always thinking with his stomach. Gandalf strikes the rock with his staff, splitting it in half, allowing the sunlight behind it to pour into the clearing. When the sunlight touches the trolls' skin, they begin turning into stone amidst loud screams and howls of pain. Within seconds, there are three stone statues of Trolls in the clearing. All the dwarves cheer for Gandalf. I stand up out of my cut open sack. Thorin looks at me surprised, and I just smirk at him. Then walk over to the pile of discarded clothes.

"Oh, get your foot out of my back!" I hear Dwalin complain from above the fire, and give a little huff of laughter.

* * *

Once everyone is freed and clothed, we set out looking for the Troll cave.

"Just follow your noses boys," I tell them. We keep searching for the hoard, and finally we come upon the cave.

"Oh, what's that stench?!" Nori asks, standing near it.

"It's a Troll hoard," I say, and Gandalf nods.

"Be careful what you touch," He finishes. Most of us venture inside the stinking, dark cavern. Inside the cave there are piles and piles of riches, varying from gold to weapons and armour. There are chests piled around, and I think I even see some clothes and other things in the back. As I explore the cave, I hear the Dwarves up front talking.

"Seems a shame just to leave it lying around. Anyone could take it," Bofur says.

"Agreed. Nori, get a shovel," Gloin says. While the Dwarves are being… well, Dwarves, I've gotten bored of the cave. I really wanted to find a cool dagger or something to add to my collection, but whatever. I start my journey back out of the cave, making sure not to breathe through my nose. My boot hits something on the ground covered in webs and dirt. I lean down to pick it up, and am surprised to find a dagger. I brush off all the dirt and stuff I can, and unsheathe it. My breath is taken by the beauty of the thing. It's a short dagger that I could probably fit comfortably in my boot. It curves at the end slightly; it looks sort of like a mini-scimitar. Well, my mission here is finished, now I can head outside. I go out and sit on a rock to try and get good air back in my lungs. Kili and Fili both come and stand in front of me.

"Can I help you?" I ask slowly, wondering why they just don't say what they wanna ask me.

"Where'd you go?" Kili asks after a pause, which causes me to raise my eyebrows him. "You weren't with everyone else when we told them about the Trolls."

"I thought I had heard something, so I went to investigate. I got up in that tree to see what was going on, and when I saw the Trolls. I didn't want to risk getting caught if I got down from the tree and they heard me." I explained, sometimes it freaks me out how well I can lie but most of the time I just thank the Valar I'm so good at it. "Why'd you guys make Bilbo go out there to get the ponies? You were meant to watch them."The other Dwarves and Gandalf file out of the cave.

"He's out burglar, isn't he?" Fili asks. "We thought he could-" I put my hand up, silencing him. I thought I heard something in the forest. Both the brothers look at me oddly.

"Va-" I put both my hands over their mouths. Tilting my head, I try to listen better. Then, both of their eyes go wide. Seems like they heard it to. I take my hands away from their faces.

"Something's coming!" Thorin yells. We all come together and draw our respective weapons.

"Stay together! Arm yourselves!" Gandalf calls. We all do as he says and run off into the forest.

We get out in a clearing, and group together in a defensive position. Our weapons out, ready to defend ourselves from whatever was coming after us. The rustling of the leaves was getting louder, whatever it was they were getting closer. I hear a voice yelling something out from the forest.

"Thieves! Fire! Murder!" I recognize that voice… Shit, it's Radagast! The Brown Wizard and his sled (pulled by rabbits, of course) pulls out of the forest, and stops right in front of us. I quickly sheath my blades when he jumps off his sledge.

"Aiwendil!" I yell with a smile. I run at him and wrap him in a hug. He stumbles a bit in surprise, but then he laughs loudly.

"Oh, my little blade!" I step back from him and give the old dude a look.

"You're shorter than me, Radagast," I remind him, and he just smiles.

"What are you doing here, Vash?"

"Gandalf and I were just gonna ask you that," I step back to where I had been before the wizards dramatic entrance.

"Oh, I was looking for Gandalf. Something's wrong. Something's terribly wrong." Radagast informs the Grey Wizard frantically, happy mood all but forgotten. The old Wizard has always been very bi polar.

"Yes?" Gandalf asks. Radagast opens his mouth, but then closes it. He does it two more times.

"Just give me a minute. Oh, I had a thought and now I've lost it," He points at me. "It's your fault, Vash; it was on the tip of my tongue." He curls up his tongue and looks surprised. "Oh, it's not a thought at all; it's just a little-" Gandalf pulls a stick bug off the other Wizards tongue. "-Stick Insect!"

The Dwarves and Bilbo look on in disgust while I just laugh. The two Wizards go off to discuss things of Wizardly importance. While we all wait for Gandy, needing to figure out what we're gonna do. The two Durin brothers approach me, smirks plastered on their faces.

"What?" I ask, and they start snickering. Damn fuckers, laughing at me. Dwarves.

"My little Blade?" Kili finally manages to get out. This only makes them both laugh harder. I narrow my good eye at them.

"I think we've found our new nick-name for Vash, brother," Fili says. God, I hate it when they use those suggest-y voices, and they always add 'brother' to it. It's creepy. I jut my chin up, and look down my nose at them.

"Radagast is the only one I let call me that. I will literally skin your Dwarven asses and turn you into shoes. Very nice shoes, or maybe boots, I haven't decided yet," I pause. "And that is not a threat, it's a promise." Then howls ring out through the clearing we're in. We all look up.

"Was that a wolf? Are there wolves out there?" Bilbo asks fearfully, and I shake my head.

"Wolves, No that's not a wolf," Bofur says.

"Wish it was, but that would make life easy, wouldn't it?" I ask sarcastically. A Warg suddenly jumps down into the clearing, knocking one of the Dwarves down. I quickly get my bow out, nock, and shoot an arrow at the beast. It goes down, but is still whining a bit, so Thorin finishes it off. Another Warg comes from the other side and Kili and Dwalin take care of it.

"Wrag-scouts," I growl and Thorin nods.

"Which means an Orc pack is not far behind," He finishes, wiping his blade on the Warg's fur.

"Orc-pack?" Bilbo squeaks. Gandalf storms over to Thorin.

"Who do you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?" He questions the Dwarf.

"No-one," Thorin answers.

"Who did you tell?" Gandalf demands.

"No one!" Thorin argues, and then more quietly: "What in Durins name is going on?"

"You're being hunted," I inform him, picking out my arrow from the flesh of the Warg I hit.

"We have to get out of here," Dwalin says.

"We can't! We have no ponies; they've bolted!" Ori informs us.

"I'll draw them off," Radagast tells us, walking toward his sled.

"These are Gundabad Wargs; they will outrun you." Gandalf tells him, trying to deter the other Wizard from his suicidal plan.

"These are Rhosgobel Rabbits; I'd like to see them try." Radagast counters confidently. I run over to the Brown Wizard and hug him.

"You better survive, or I will bring you back and kill you myself," I tell him, letting him go. He smiles at me.

"You know I will," He tells me and jumps on his sleigh, trying to lead the Orcs away from us.

* * *

**How was that? Good? Meh? Bad?**

**Well, next week they're gonna be in Imladris! Huzzah! We get to see Elrond and Estel and Glorfindel and YAY (: **

**The update next week might be late... Sorry... I have a performance coming up and I don't have all my lines memorized yet... Oops... Procrastinating is bad, guys, don't do it.**

**Please review, follow and favorite! It'd be awesome!  
**

**Well, peace out!**

**-JenniFromTheBak**


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